Archive for March 2013

The Place Beyond the Pines (Film Review)

March 31, 2013 Author, Feature Film, Heavenly, Schnookems, Uncategorized No comments
the place beyond the pines poster

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES in theaters now

Cinema Judgement Day contributor, Schnookems, just came back from “The Place Beyond the Pines”.  I’ve heard a lot about this film in recent weeks and am looking forward to seeing it myself. Also remember, if you’ve seen a movie that you’re feeling passionate about and would  like to review it for the site, feel free to email us here. Now without further ado… Schnookems!

I just saw Derek Cianfrance’s The Place Beyond the Pines; an interesting film divided into three stories that are all interwoven with each other over a couple decades. The picture isn’t yet in wide release, but it will be on April 12th and it’s not like anything you’ve seen in theaters lately.

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G.I. Joe: Retaliation (Film Review)

March 31, 2013 Author, Feature Film, Hellicious, Malone, Uncategorized No comments
GI JOE 2 poster

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION in theaters now

Channing Tatum won me over with his performances in “21 Jump Street” and “Magic Mike”… or at least the Directors and Editors did.  If you want to see the blind leading the blind, go no further than 2009′s “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”.  In that film, Hollywood’s worst director, Stephen Sommers, succeeds in getting a performance from Tatum that’s as plastic as the toys it was based upon.  Throw on top of that a script full of plot holes, bargain basement VFX and Marlon Wayans and you’ve got yourself a war on good taste.  Fortunately, Paramount Pictures 86′d Sommers and brought in the next wave of Joes.  “G.I. Joe: Retaliation” should’ve instead been titled “Resuscitation”, because that’s exactly what it does:  breathes life into a franchise that all but had its dog tags sent home. Read more

The Host (Film Review)

March 31, 2013 Author, Feature Film, Hellicious, Malone, Uncategorized No comments
the host poster

THE HOST in theaters now

The mission of this site is to review not just “good” movies, but “so bad they’re good” movies.   So when I heard that “The Host”, a film adapted from the Stephanie Meyers book, I knew I was in for either a horrible treat or the most excruciating two hours and five minutes  of my life.  As you know, Ms. Meyers wrote the “Twilight” series and it’s obvious that Open Road Films was hoping for something of equal quality.  Of course, that could have been achieved by filming an adaptation of “Romeo and Juliet” with “Octomom” Nadia Suleman starring as Juliet.  What they ended up with was something so subpar it actually had me longing for two hours of Playstation 2 looking wolves, vapid dialogue and Robert Pattinson’s blue-ribbon-winning-pumpkin-sized noggin. Read more

Happy Easter from Cinema Judgement Day!

March 31, 2013 Author, Featured Stories, Malone, Uncategorized No comments

From all of us here at Cinema Judgement Day, a Happy Easter to you and yours.  Hopefully all of your rabbits laid eggs this morning and may half of them be filled with chocolate.

If the other half isn’t caramel, throw them out.  Rabbit yolks taste gross.

 

And a sugarless treat for you all:

 

The Easter Bunny Is Comin’ to Town available on DVD!

Stitches (Blu-Ray Review)

March 27, 2013 Author, Blu-Ray, Hellicious, Malone, Uncategorized No comments
Stitches Blu

STITCHES available 4/2 on DVD and Blu-Ray from MPI/Dark Sky Films

I don’t get clowns. They’re supposed to be happy and make you laugh, but so many people find them terrifying. My friend Steve actually yells “Yikes!” in his husky smoker’s voice whenever he sees one. It’s pretty funny (if a bit over-dramatic), yet he illustrates how clowns are a legitimate fear of many. How else could you explain the successes of “It”, “Killjoy” or the appropriately titled “Killer Clowns from Outer Space”? Even “Seinfeld” explored the phenomenon with the episode “The Opera” where “Crazy” Joe Davola dresses as a clown and scares the shit out of everyone. Now, Irish filmmaker Conor McMahon (Dead Meat) takes his turn scaring you with a circus psycho in “Stitches”, coming to DVD and Blu-Ray April 2 from MPI/Dark Sky Films.
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Olympus Has Fallen (Film Review)

March 26, 2013 Author, Feature Film, Heavenly, Mr. Falcon, Uncategorized No comments
olympus poster

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN in theaters now

One man.
Insurmountable Odds.
No outside help.
Alone in an impenetrable location.

Where have we seen this before? Oh yeah, “Die Hard”, “Under Siege”, and I guess “First Blood” to an extent (if you count the Pacific northwest forest as an impenetrable location). That’s the gist of “Olympus Has Fallen”, which isn’t to say it’s a bad thing because that’s always a fun plot to watch. Read more

The Croods (Film Review)

March 24, 2013 Author, Feature Film, Heavenly, Malone, Uncategorized No comments
The Croods poster

THE CROODS in theaters now

It’s not too often that I’m wowed by a cartoon.  Gone are the days of the Pixar “slam dunk” (in my opinion).  More often than not, I find myself annoyed by an animated film – like say, Shrek that uses some catchy pop song and then has the characters dancing around like assholes almost as a concession for not having them sing a la OG Disney films.  To quote Mike “Green Ogre Slob” Myers: It’s craaaaap! Which is exactly the reason I was DREADING “The Croods”, Dreamworks’ latest computer generated feature.  After seeing countless bus shelters, mass transit wraparounds and AMC policy bumpers all featuring the cave-clan, I wanted to smash my head in with a rock (which was probably used as both a pillow and a dental tool in their day).  But after seeing the film in glorious 3D, I have to say that I haven’t been this happy to spend time with cartoon cavemen since “The Flintstones”. Read more

Waking Ned Devine (Streaming Review)

March 23, 2013 Author, Heavenly, Malone, Streaming, Uncategorized No comments
Waking Ned Devine poster

WAKING NED DEVINE now streaming through Amazon Instant Video, Hulu Plus and Netflix

What a lucky week for our readers!  So far we’ve explored Ireland’s fables, love, war, religion, music and of course, beer.  Now, day 7 of CJD’s St. Patrick’s Week, we reach the end of the rainbow and everybody knows what’s found there.  Gold.  Lots of it…  $6,894,620 worth, actually.  Today we take a look at director Kirk Jones’ “Waking Ned Devine”, a little fable of greed, money and community.  As such I pose a queston: What would you do with a pot full of money?  Better yet, what would you do with someone else’s pot full of money?
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The Commitments (DVD Review)

March 22, 2013 Author, DVD, Heavenly, Malone, Uncategorized No comments
commitments poster

THE COMMITMENTS available now on DVD from 20th Century Fox

When I think of great rock bands, I think of The Beatles, The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Metallica  and our boys from Ireland, U2.  But when I think of Irish music, I think of traditional songs like “Danny Boy”, Sinead O’Conner (though I don’t know why, seeing as she’s best known for covering a Prince song and tearing up a picture of the Pope) and The Cranberries. Riverdance also comes to mind.  Maybe I’m just out of touch with anything outside of classic rock. Maybe I’m just trying to BS an intro to this review.  Either way, Day 6 of St. Patrick’s week finds us watching “The Commitments” – out now on DVD from 20th Century Fox.  Alan Parker’s 1991 dramedy about a Dublin soul band is a rocking good time… and Michael Flatley never even makes an appearance. Read more

Beer (Streaming Review)

March 21, 2013 Author, Hellicious, Malone, Streaming, Uncategorized No comments
beer poster

BEER now streaming through Amazon Instant Video, Hulu Plus and Netflix

It’s been around since 9500 BC.  One of the oldest man-made beverages, it’s shown up in ancient manuscripts and is thought to have been important in the development of civilization (according to Wikipedia – heh, heh). Though celebrated as the drink of the working man, it’s enjoyed by people of every socioeconomic level.  It’s beer  and the reason I bring it up, is that you just can’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day without it.  Day 5 of our week-long Irish holiday focuses on Orion Pictures’ 1985 film “Beer”.  This little known comedy screams 80′s fun with a slobs vs. snobs story wrapped in a commentary on the advertising practices of the day.  A movie about beer commercials?  How could you possibly go wrong?? Read more

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